My art and I are at war again. Some days I feel good about what I draw, but the next it's completely the opposite. I know this happens to everyone, but I feel like I'm never going to be satisfied. Sometimes I even wonder what I'm doing it for if it makes me so miserable. I'm really not feeling anime lately, but even if I try to draw a different way or find an in-between that suits me, it all still looks the same. I don't WANT to draw anime. How do you stop drawing anime and still have a cartoon style that's similar? I'll always be stuck there. It's not like I don't like it anymore - I still adore my favorites and enjoy watching new things if I ever do - I just... don't want to draw it so much. Something about it has become unpleasant to me. I want something that's my own, entirely. When I look at my art and think it looks like some shoujo anime I want to throw up. Curse you Sailor Moon, look what you've done to me.

I keep telling myself I'm drawing this art for myself, so what is it that I'm even striving for? Why should I work harder? Why should I improve? It won't get me anywhere. I am entirely disheartened when I think about drawing.

I am, of course, also talking about Demon Wing... except that it amuses me, it really serves no purpose. My friends all already know what will happen, and they are the audience almost entirely. As I've written it over the course of many years and my methods have matured, the writing thus far is flawed at best. It's not good, I know that. I am sometimes horrified to know that anyone and everyone can see it, and randomly stumbling upon it I would be judged on what's there. I know that person would leave and never look back. The story becomes something so much better, but only I know that. I'll never get there. I can't justify the time I used to spend on that comic, but I can't deal with how awful it looks compared to what I want. I LIKE the sketches, but it could be so much better. I have the time, maybe even the energy, but I don't have the heart. I know many of you have encouraged me to keep going, no matter how I have to draw it and I appreciate that beyond words. I'm not going to stop. I'm just... reflecting, I suppose.

When I was growing up as an artist, I remember endless encouragement and helpful suggestions from everyone around me, even though I was just utterly terrible. My talent isn't anything interesting anymore. I kind of miss feeling awesome when I complete a piece of art. Maybe it's because I settled on art as a hobby. I've given up so much in regards to my art - education, dreams, good hard work. I forewent all of those things because I told myself I couldn't work in a class environment and it could never be my career. Why? Couldn't I have done it?

If I gave up writing and drawing today, I know the world would keep on turning without me. No one's even read my writing, anyway. Maybe all I want is to make a difference in someone's life, someone's day, someone's passing minute. And it's not just art really, but everything. This feels entirely like a cry for attention, but I know it's really not. I just need to say it. I feel so stagnant. I've squashed a lot of things to get nowhere. I can't help thinking I'll never go anywhere at all.






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